SMILE
by deadpan riot
Summary: the sergeant universe; The everyday trials of living with a balverine.  Cameos?  Yes.  Sanity?  Not so much.  Centered around Reaver and Sparrow's pet balverine, Sergeant Smiles. Chpt 2: Garth and Reaver try their hand at balverine bathing
1. I Missed You

Snippets from "The Sergeant" universe. Random stuff that doesn't really fit into the main story. Bits of everyday life, and the challenges that come with owning a dog. Er, balverine.

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><p><strong>I Missed You<strong>

Reaver sighed in contentment, the warmth from the concrete at his back seeping through his shirt. The statue in the center of the mansion courtyard, he had found, made a marvelous perch. There was just the right combination of shade and sunlight, the flowers were sweet and the wind was far cleaner then in the town proper. Oh yes, it was one of the many reasons Reaver loved his little coastal paradise.

"SMILES NO!"

The pirate had just enough time to register he was no longer alone before the wind was knocked out of his lungs and the world went fuzzy.

"Damn it Smiley."

Reaver blinked, his mind taking a moment to register what was in front of his face. Fur, white as the snow. Frowning, he trailed his eyes upwards, catching sight of a snout inches from his forehead. "Do you _mind_?"

The massive head shifted, yellow eyes appearing in front of his face. The balverine cocked his head and whined.

"Whatever it is, the answer is no. Do you understand? _No_. Now _get off_."

The balverine ignored him, continuing to give the pirate puppy eyes. Reaver scowled back.

"Oh Sparrow, _dear_."

The hero's head appeared, the flush in his cheeks signaling he'd probably sprinted through the entire town.

"Uh, yea?"

"_What _exactly, is it your beastie wants?"

Sparrow glanced over at his pet before grinning sheepishly at Reaver. "I think he missed you while we were gone. Soon as the town came into view he took off, didn't stop till, well, now."

"Ah."

Reaver waited, watching the two of them. Sparrow was smirking down at him, finding far more amusement in the situation then he should have.

"_Well?_" He paused, waiting for some sort or reaction. All he got was a blank look and a raised brow. The pirate gritted his teeth. "_"Get. Him. Off of me. NOW."_

Smiley's ears snapped back, head moving away at the sudden outburst. A look of comprehension clicked onto Sparrow's face. "Ah, right. Sorry, mate."

The hero grabbed onto the balverine's collar and yanked. "Up boy, time to let the big bad Pirate King go, we've won. Yea."

Reaver rolled his eyes as the massive beast was pulled away, sitting back on his haunches so he could continue to stare eerily at his quarry. Sparrow offered his hand, and after eyeing it for a moment, Reaver took it. The hero pulled him easily to his feet, swiping at the dirt that had attached itself to his back.

"You're alright yea? He didn't crush anything?"

Reaver huffed. "Hardly. It'll take more than an oversized _dog_ to do anything more then get me dirty."

Sparrow rolled his eyes and patted Reaver lightly on the shoulder. "Right." Spinning lightly on his heel, the hero leapt easily up the stairs, calling to his pet monster over his shoulder.

Unfortunately, the Sergeant decided he wasn't ready to coop himself up.

"DAMN IT SPARROW,GET THIS BLOODY IMBECILE _OFF _OF ME!"

The Hero of Bowerstone sighed in exasperation, eyes skyward. "Smiles, _damn it_, how many times do we have to bloody go through this?"

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><p>an: I have plenty of ideas for this, but if anyone has any suggestions, anything really random they'd love to see done, hit me up and I'll see what I can do. Anything goes for the most part. D

deadpan_riot


	2. 10 man tub

Cameo ala Garth. Smiles is dirty, and Sparrow's absence means it's up to Reaver to bathe him. Of course not being one to do such menial tasks, the pirate drags Garth into the fiasco.

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><p><strong>10 Man Tub<strong>

"Oh Sparrow, my dear! Wherever have you gotten to? I know you're rather fond of disappearing on a _whim_, especially when it comes time to walk the mangy beast you've assigned to babysit me…But I'm afraid that this is going just a _tad_ too far!"

Reaver's voice echoed throughout the monstrous house, loud enough that if Sparrow was there, he was pointedly ignoring the racket.

"Reaver?"

The pirate spun easily on his heel, leaning to the side a bit to see around the suit of armor he was standing near.

"Hm? Why Garth! Whatever brings you to my humble little coastal paradise?"

"I'm not sure I'd use the words 'humble' or 'paradise' to describe your self-proclaimed kingdom, pirate."

Reaver walked casually towards the mage, waving his hand dismissively. "Yes well, to each his own I suppose. You can have your blasé little home in _Samarkand_, and I can have my marvelous little villa _here_."

"I was under the impression that this was no longer your manor."

"Details, details. Now, I believe you have yet to answer my question."

"I'm here to see Sparrow."

Reaver smiled his most charming smile to hide his annoyance. "Aren't we all…It would seem your would-be _host_ is nowhere to be found. And just when I required his _particular_ set of _skills_."

"And those would be?"

"It would seem I've run into a little snag with a particular, ah, _possession_ of his." Reaver glanced over his shoulder. "Oh Smiles, that better not be the sound of you dragging your filthy carcass over my things!"

Garth frowned. "I don't hear anything."

"_Exactly._"

"Just what are you playing a-Reaver behind you!"

The pirate cast another bored glance behind him. "Ah there you are! What irreplaceable valuables have you had your grubby paws on this time?"

Smiles snorted as he came to stand next to the pirate, who wrinkled his nose and took a step to the side to put more space between them.

"Do you remember that little conversation we _just_ had? About you, and me, and the space that needs to be maintained between us?"

"Reaver, why on earth are you talking to that balverine? And how did it even get in here?"

"Oh you don't know?" Reaver indicated said monster as Garth shook his head. "It would seem our dear little bird's sanity has flown the coop." He chuckled at his own joke, as well as the look on the mage's face.

"What do you mean his sanity has 'flown the coop'?"

"I would think it would be rather obvious..." He again indicated the balverine.

"So let me get this straight, Sparrow is keeping a Balverine as a, a-"

"A pet, yes. Or, something."

Garth eyed up Smiles, who was watching him curiously. "What in the name of the Archon is he covered in?"

Putting a finger thoughtfully to his chin, Reaver stared critically at the creature. "I'm not entirely sure. Something or other that Sparrow had stored down in one of the cellar rooms, judging by the smears all over my den."

"You mean Sparrow's den."

"Yes yes, whatever, you're missing the point."

"Which is?"

"There's a filthy balverine running about my _home_, wherein there are numerous valuables that if dirtied cannot be washed or replaced. And wouldn't you know it, his _master_ is nowhere to be found as _usual_ when it comes time to play the _responsibility_ card."

Garth sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Then why don't you give him a bath if you're so worried about your things?"

Reaver scoffed. "_Me_? Oh my no. He's not my pet, and therefore not my responsibility."

"Well, if you want to keep him from getting your things dirty-"

"Of course, that's brilliant!"

"Excuse me?"

"Why didn't I think of it sooner? I'll just tie him up outside and-"

"Do you honestly believe that'll work?"

"Of course, why wouldn't it?"

"Because I fail to see how you're going to keep him from simply breaking free, thus taking you back to square one."

Reaver blinked at the mage, before looking between him and the current bane of his existence. An evil smirk slid onto his face. "Oh, I think I have an idea…"

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

"No Reaver, over there! Chase him back that way!"

Reaver skidded to a halt, turning towards where Garth was gesturing and once again began yelling obscenities before doing as he was told. Smiles halted as well, eyes wide and ears flat on his head, looking frantically between the two men.

Reaver advanced on the beast, driving him back much as a Sheppard would his sheep, albeit far more viciously.

"Good! Don't get too close!"

Reaver had just enough time to leap backwards before Garth activated the binding spell he'd modified to trap the balverine.

Smiles howled ghoulishly before leaping straight into the sky, breaking the magic's hold. The circle exploded outwards, throwing the two men off their feet.

Reaver blinked the spots from his eyes and tilted his head back against the cobblestones to look towards the ominous sound of tinkling glass. Splinters of what had once been a window pane cascaded down into the courtyard, drawing the pirate's attention upwards to the source of the mess. Where there had once been a window, there was now a jagged hole.

"Bloody hell…Oh Garth, care to enlighten me on how your fool-proof plan managed to _fail_ so spectacularly?"

"I never said it would work!"

With a sigh, Reaver sat up, absently fixing his hair before climbing to his feet and brushing off his clothing. "I thought you were supposed to be some all-powerful _wizard_, or whatever. And yet you can't manage to hold one little balverine in place longer than two seconds before something blows up."

"Ug, I can't believe I let you talk me into this! Just give the damn thing a bath already!"

"Hm…_Or_ you could give him a bath."

"He's not my problem."

"Ah, well, the thing of it is, he kind of is." Reaver jammed a thumb over his shoulder towards the broken window. "_I_ didn't do that."

Garth dropped his face into his palm, sighing in exasperation. "Alright, _fine_!"

Xxxxxxxxxxx

"Come on, you lug, this way!" Reaver waved the dog treat in front of himself, walking backwards towards the bathroom.

Smiles was advancing warily; He'd been lured out of his hiding place thanks to an old package of dog treats Reaver had found buried in the pantry.

"Reaver, are you sure this is going to work? I'd hate to have to spend another hour listening to you complain about something else getting broken."

"You really have no faith in me, do you?"

Garth made a disgruntled noise, disappearing back into the bathroom.

Reaver followed not soon after, pointedly not paying attention to the mage hiding behind the door. "There now, that wasn't so hard, was it? Now be a good boy and fetch!" He tossed the treat into the oversized tub, landing it on a convenient groove on the opposite side of where they stood. In order to get it, Smiles would have to get in the tub.

Garth gently closed the door, trying not to draw attention to it while eyeing the balverine. "It seems your deviant ways have finally come in handy. A normal man would have no need for a tub that large."

"Yes it really is quite enjoyable. Although I doubt you'd take my word for it; perhaps you'd like to give it a spin?" Reaver cocked a brow suggestively, chuckling when Garth flashed him a repulsed glare.

As one they turned back to the task at hand, only to find the balverine watching them curiously.

"_Well_? Don't you want that treat over there?"

Smiles looked back to where Reaver was pointing, cocking his head as he analyzed the problem.

"Just climb into that water there, and _voila_! You'll have yourself a nice snack."

"I told you dog treats wouldn't work." Garth muttered under his breath.

"Ah, but they worked thus far! Besides, what would you have me do, go out and kill a _cow_?"

"Well obviously not but-"

"Or would you rather I lure him about with some tart down by the docks?"

"_Reaver_…"

The pirate grinned cheekily, before turning back to the project they'd taken upon themselves. The smirk slid into a frown when he realized they were still getting nowhere. The Sergeant was attempting to lean over and claim his prize without actually touching the water. A peculiarity, as he'd never known balverines to actually avoid getting wet.

"You'd think he was a dog, the way he's avoiding being bathed." Garth elaborated when Reaver looked at him as though he'd gone mad. "I once helped Sparrow give Moogi, his dog, a bath. He had no problem with running water, but try to put him in a bath tub and you'd think we were trying to skin him."

Reaver chuckled at the mental image. "Yes, well, as interesting as that is, I think I may have a solution." Eyeing the back of the beast critically, he picked just the right spot, before motioning Garth over and explaining his plan via hand gesture. Once they were on the same page, the pirate began the countdown, and on three, they pushed. That is to say, Reaver pretended to push while Garth did all the work.

Smiles toppled into the ten person tub, his bulk sending hot water everywhere, soaking Garth. Reaver had, of course, been prepared for such an outcome, and had smartly stepped back.

The balverine twisted, yowling as his head broke the water, sending more droplets flying. Garth, ever prepared, was already moving, dumping a bottle of bath oil onto the creature's head. "Reaver, grab that bar of soap and the scrub brush!" He had to shout to be heard over the chaos that had erupted; Smiles was splashing around like a maniac, trying to rub off the scented oil crocodile style.

"Hardly! Do you know how much that _costs?_! It's bad enough you just _wasted_ an entire bottle of imported bath oil!"

"Then buy more! You're the one who started this whole fiasco, so get your ass over here, or I'll tell Sparrow you broke the damn window!"

Reaver was somewhat surprised at Garth attempting to blackmail him, but got over it quickly. He hoped it was because his influence was rubbing off on the mage. "Weeeeell-"

"Reaver!"

"_Fine_."

By the time Reaver appeared at his side with soap and brush in hand, Garth had had to resort to physically holding the balverine down.

"My, aren't we the strong one."

"Just wash him already!"

"Now now, don't get your panties in a bunch my dear mage!"

Garth scowled at the smirking pirate, who'd begun scrubbing at whatever part of the balverine happened to be within reach.

"You're going to have to get closer if you want to get all that whatever it is off of him!"

Normally, Reaver never would have listened to such a (in his mind) stupid idea, but these where unusual circumstances. He really did have irreplaceable valuables to protect after all. He leaned in, only to have Smiles take that exact moment to slip, dousing the pirate in his now contaminated water.

Reaver scowled. "Well this was a bloody marvelous idea…"

Garth laughed, struck by how utterly insane the whole situation was. Well, that, and seeing Reaver dripping with discolored water.

Xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sparrow knew something was wrong the second he got close enough to see the broken window. He paused to sweep his gaze over the courtyard, taking in the sight of glass shards and faint scorch marks. "The hell?"

He practically leapt up the steps to the door, opening it slowly. Faint sounds of a struggle reached his ears, instantly flicking the switch in his mind to kill mode. The hero slipped through the door and slunk up the stairs, sword drawn. As he drew closer the noises separated themselves, and he could make out the sound of voices, though whatever was being said was drowned out by something eerie and animal sounding.

The door to the bathroom came into view, the closer he crept the clearer the chaos behind it got. He wasn't sure, but it sounded like whoever it was, they were fighting in the tub. He vaguely wondered if Reaver had gotten jumped by a burglar while bathing.

He pressed his ear to the door, the muffled voices becoming clearer, confusing the gypsy further. Slowly, he opened the door, quite unprepared for the sight that awaited him.

Garth was leaning against the side of the tub, arms wrapped tightly around a squirming balverine. What was even more shocking was the sight of Reaver, water up to his thighs and scrub brush in hand, covered in suds and completely soaked through, attempting to wash a(formerly filthy, if the color of the water was anything to go by) Smiles.

"_Bloody hell, _hold _still_ will you? " Reaver went to grab the beast by the ear to make him turn his head, only to grab his hand back as teeth snapped in warning. "Don't make me use the bucket again!"

"Damn it Reaver, I'll be the one to hurt you if you do, I'm soaked as it is without you adding to it yet again!"

"What the bloody hell are you two doing?"

In unison all three stilled, Garth and Reaver looking at the hero with genuine surprise. Smiles took advantage of his captors' distraction, breaking free from Garth's grip. The movement sent both men to fall on their asses, Garth skidding on the wet tile and Reaver finding himself momentarily submerged.

Sparrow moved aside as Smiles flew past him out into the hallway, leaving a trail of water and soap in his wake.

Reaver pulled himself into a sitting position, gasping and spitting out the polluted water. Garth gained his feet, rubbing at his aching arms and chest.

"_Where the bloody hell did that monster go?_"

Sparrow just stared stupidly, quite unaccustomed to hearing Reaver loose his cool and yell in anger.

"I think we're done, Reaver. There's no possible chance you're going to be able to lure him back in here, no matter what you kill to do it."

The Thief Prince stood, water cascading off his clothing in rivulets as he climbed from the tub. "Oh no we're not, not after all the trouble I went through to get this far."

Garth took a step back at the crazy glint in the pirate's eye. "Reaver..."

Ignoring the mage's protests, the pirate practically stomped out of the room, hollering at the top of his lungs for the balverine, trying and failing to sound anything other than murderous.

Sparrow looked back at Garth, who was also soaked. Much like the entirety of the room, which was covered in suds and looked like it had been rained on.

"Were we really making that much of a commotion?"

Sparrow blinked, and then looked down at the katana still in his grip. "Bit, yea. The broken window didn't help." Smirking at Garth's grimace, he sheathed the weapon. "I thought for sure I was going to be busting in on bathroom bandits taking advantage of Reaver."

Garth busted out laughing, another rarity of the day. "So I take it you aren't too mad at the mess we've managed to make?"

Sparrow patted the mage on the back as they exited the bathroom, a lopsided smirk on his face. "Nah, so long as you remember to clean up after yourselves."

"Which means I'll be the one doing all the cleaning I suppose. Archon forbid Reaver clean up his own mess." Garth grumbled with a sigh.

"You could always threaten him. I bet the prospect of a lightning shock wouldn't sound too good to him at the moment, drenched as he is."

The mage chuckled. "Perhaps. "

"I've got to ask though, why didn't you just use that water-hose-thing in back?"

Garth stopped mid step, giving Sparrow the creepiest deadpan look the gypsy had yet to encounter. "The _what_?"

"It's a hose attached to a pump connected to the bay. It's saltwater, but it works for getting that bloody dirt magnet mostly clean, till I can go push him in a lake."

The hero watched the mage's eye twitch. "Really. And does Reaver know about it?"

"Of course, he's seen me use it, even demanded to know why it was on his property and how it worked."

Garth turned to face the end of the hallway where he knew Reaver and Smiles had disappeared. "I see." He took off at a steady pace, hands fisted at his side.

"Uh, Garth? Where-"

"To find that damn pirate."

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><p>Reaver needs to work his schemes through a little better, me thinks.<p>

deadpan_riot


End file.
